Difficult Conversations

Can we talk?

How different the world would be if we all simply talked things out before they became issues bigger than words or conversations?  How different would our relationships be if we honestly articulated our feelings when things or people or changes made us anxious, fearful or insecure?  How different would we all be if we could talk, really talk to one another in the spirit of love and truth? 

Instead, we put off difficult conversations and put on the mask of niceness; accommodating unreasonable demands and working around  inflexibility, and skirting the real problems.  Eventually those issues grow into conflict where anger, fear and anxiety supplant love, collegiality and the spirit of community, and ultimately your relationships decay.

So let's talk about difficult conversations.

Frankly, I don't like having them; I don't know anyone who does.  But when you are in a leadership position it’s a fact of life.  Especially if you are leading change.  There will be resistance, passive aggressive behavior, maybe even some overt animosity. You will need to have difficult conversations. For the sake of the health of your congregation you will have to initiate dialogue with those who may not want any dialogue with you. These may even be people who you love dearly but who are also threatening to impede God's mission by continuing to engage in unhealthy behaviors within the congregation.

Remember when Paul called out Peter when he heard that Peter had altered his choice of dining companions when the big-wigs from Jerusalem came calling?  I'm sure Paul never wanted to have that conversation with Peter, but for the sake of God's mission to the Gentiles he had to speak up.  No mixed messages, no hypocrisy.  Paul took Peter aside and laid it all out. Galatians 2:11-14 MSG

Difficult conversations are just that...difficult.  Not impossible, just difficult.

I’m sure that for Paul, having that conversation with Peter was awkward.  In the spirit love and truth, Paul had the courage to name the problem and address Peter directly before the situation got even more out-of-hand. Imagine if Paul had not spoken out!  What would have happened to this new vision of inclusivity, this Gospel that gathered Jew, Gentile, free, slave, male and female as members of one body in Christ?  In the text one has the sense that divisions were escalating rapidly and those bold steps into new community were on the verge of retreat. 

Change will always be countered by some sort of resistance, sometimes it’s obvious, like the person who crosses their arms and says no, and sometimes it’s  less overt and is more passive, like when someone agrees with the change then goes about doing things they way they have always done it.  Many times conversations are more difficult to have with the person in the second scenario. There may be a few different underlying factors guiding their behavior; fear of the unknown, anxiety about recent decisions and the change process, loss of sense of place in the community, uncertainty about the overall mission or vision, etc. It may even be a combination of things.  Individual(s) that are clearly hampering the changes and directions identified by the community that needed to engage in God’s mission cannot be ignored or accommodated, they need to be listened to and offered a chance to express their viewpoints in an atmosphere of honesty and mutual respect. Leaders who enter these conversations must do so with both humility and forbearance, bringing a non-anxious presence to the situation. They must have clarity of vision and mission and the ability to articulate the motivation for change in relation to that vision and mission.

Bringing the conversation back to God’s mission and vision for the congregation and re-directing comments about personal likes/dislikes will help to keep focus on what God is doing rather than on individual preferences.

In Antioch, Paul confronts Peter publicly in order that the others who have changed their behavior will also see the impact of their actions.  It was too late for a quiet private conversation since even Barnabas had begun to follow Peter’s lead. A difficult conversation with one person became a difficult conversation with many. Ideally, Paul could have headed this off at the pass, taking Peter aside before things escalated- that hesitation led to a “situation”.

So, leaders, through prayer and observation it’s up to you to discern when the time is right to initiate the conversation. Keep God’s mission and vision central. Invite Jesus to sit in at the meeting and trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you in love and truth. 

Take it from Paul, who sums up the the core of our difficult conversations so beautifully-

“Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do—submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is what God is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life! All who walk by this standard are the true Israel of God—his chosen people. Peace and mercy on them!” 

(Galatians 6:14-16  MSG)

Here's a little refresher on the "Difficult Conversations" segment from the last Forward Leadership Seminar:

Difficult Conversations: Nine Common Mistakes

Change or Die

Change or die!

Harsh reality or hope-filled commission? 
Last ditch effort or holy beginning?
Law or Gospel?

 “Change or die”, are daunting and challenging words for congregations and leaders.
Yet looking through the lens of  faith and our undying life and renewal in Jesus, we can see change not as an enemy but as a unexpected and tangible witness to the movement of the Holy Spirit in our congregations and communities today. The change in the world that God instigated in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection 2000 years ago continues to challenge the status quo and the dominant culture of the day. 
"Change or die", could be a rallying call for anyone or anything that must adapt to a changing climate, demographic, political regime or economy. 
"Change or die" is the spark of evolution, reformation and revolution. 
Not  words for the faint of heart.

Change OR die might be the challenge but change AND die is the reality.

If there is change, something will have to die.
There will be a death to the way things have always been done, death to systems that no longer function, death to  paradigms that were perfect in 1954 or 1974 but have lost meaning in 2014, death to mediocrity, death to going through the motions, death to denial,  death hopelessness, death to isolation, and death to… dying.  

With these “deaths” there will be grieving, anger, resistance, conflict and fear that will attempt to slow or counteract the change process.  As a people who live on the other side of the cross we know that beyond our pain and sin and anxiety God’s love has the power to transform, recreate, and reconcile everything and everyone.  Propelled and inspired by this Good News we are bold to put our faith into action; bringing change to our congregations and communities that we may participate more fully in God’s mission in our world today.  We move from what was, to what will be, guided by the promise that each step is a holy beginning and hope-filled commission.  We move forward in the knowledge that the change Jesus seeks in us and our neighbors will be blessed with forgiveness, love and God’s abiding presence. Gospel indeed!

At our last Forward Leadership Seminar, Bishop Hazelwood recommended, Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and at Life, by Alan Deutschman. The book is based on an article that originally appeared in Fast Company Magazine in 2005,  Fast Company, Change or Die. There is also an interview on Duke Divinity School's Faith and Leadership blog, Alan Deutschman: The benefits of change.  Great stuff!

Finally, words of  wisdom from "Kid President" on how you can change the world.

Stewardship: The Next Generation

One of our biggest challenges we have as congregations is creating ways for young adults and families to explore what stewardship is and looks like for the 21st century. The models we've been using to "do stewardship" are no longer relevant for this new generation of giver. They are not as content to simply write a number on the pledge card.  Rather, they need to feel emotionally, physically, and in the case of the church, spiritually connected to the cause, ministry or campaign.

They want impact they can see, and they want to know that their own involvement has contributed to that impact. They want to use any necessary strategies, assets, and tools – new or old – for greater impact.

 Once engaged, these next gen major donors want to go “all in.” Giving without significant, hands-on engagement feels to them like a hollow investment with little assurance of impact. They want to develop close relationships with the organizations or causes they support; they want to listen and offer their own professional or personal talents, all in order to solve problems together with those whom they support. They have grown up volunteering, and they still want to offer their time, but in more meaningful ways, not just holding a seat on a gala organizing committee.   "Key Findings", #NEXTGENDONORS, Johnson Center, 2014

We need to think about  stewardship as something beyond pledge cards, time and talent sheets and an annual campaign. Creating multiple opportunities for giving throughout the year and making spontaneous giving EASY are technical fixes. (Who carries around cash and check book all the time anymore?) But also consider how we involve this next generation as leaders. Think about crowd sourcing, social media, even take cues from the flash mob phenomena.  Collaboration and networking are key.  And, as I watch my kids grow, they have been  involved with more service and community projects through the school system, scouts and sports than I ever was.  And this is normal- they are used it. This generation is about "being there", not just collecting donations or fundraising, but connecting to community and building relationships. They're willing to get their hands and hearts into it.

An oft used phrase we hear every stewardship season is "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."   Maybe for this next generation we should ponder Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of that same verse, "The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."

For more info on Gen X and Millenial giving check out http://www.nextgendonors.org/

Why am I Here?

I'm looking at my schedule and cringing just thinking about all the meetings I have in the next few weeks: team, committees, council, congregational annual meeting... the docket is full!  Seth Godin suggests that maybe the docket is too full when we are meeting for the sake of meeting or conducting meetings that have no clear purpose-these can actually impede any real progress.

What if as leaders we decided that the monthly /weekly check-in meeting could be done differently.... or could go away all together? Lots of times I hear complaints that people don't show up to meetings or that the same people are there all the time.  Maybe it's not about a lack of commitment to the team/project/initiative, but  it's about the meeting itself; either  too much on the agenda, or too little.

These are great questions from Seth's "Smart Meetings" checklist-

Would skipping this meeting impede our ability to ship?
Could it be a Skype, conference call or Go-to meeting instead?
If we have to have the meeting, can we do it in a room with no chairs?
Can we invite fewer people? How few?
What’s the purpose of this meeting? Pick one of the following, and you can only pick one. If it’s more than one, skip the meeting.
• Inform people about the project
• Learn opinions or facts that will help you ship
• Discuss the project and gain input from interested parties
• Pitch or approve the idea
After we’re finished, how will we know if the meeting was a success?

Oh, and if you currently are using technology to facilitate meetings you will be familiar with the joys and pitfalls of the conference call.  Here's a link to Seth's list for proper conference call etiquette-
Conference Call Hygiene

And if you've ever been on a poorly run conference call you'll get a chuckle out of this short video- it's an ad for a consulting group but they've nailed the challenges of technology vs. the face to face meeting.

Bold for Change!

Thank you to everyone for bringing energy, enthusiasm, and open hearts and minds to our first retreat that we dared to name "Bold for Change"!  Sort of a scary thought, "Bold for Change",  isn't it?   But as leaders sometimes we are called to be bold, to take initiative, to strike out on a new path to live out God's mission.  Inevitably, that new path means a change in the status quo, venturing outside of our comfort zone and into uncharted territory.  Indeed in lots of ways our context today is all about uncharted territory; technology, culture and society are changing at such a rapid pace that it's difficult to find any fixed point of reference.  What is taken for granted today may be obsolete tomorrow.  But,  as Christians, we are not left without  a map.  We do  a "fixed" point of reference...in Christ, we find our center, strength, and mission.
Pr. Hughes shared this text during closing worship:

^4-5 Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
^8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

Amen!  Let's move forward... bold for change!

If you would like to re-create some of the experiences we shared at the retreat with your congregation,
here is a link to our notes for activities and discussion questions:
Bold for Change- Retreat Notes

 Seth Godin's "This is Broken"
"This is Broken" on Vimeo

Seth Godin's SHIPIT
SHIPIT Booklet Audio
Shipit Journal for Congregations