Difficult Conversations

Can we talk?

How different the world would be if we all simply talked things out before they became issues bigger than words or conversations?  How different would our relationships be if we honestly articulated our feelings when things or people or changes made us anxious, fearful or insecure?  How different would we all be if we could talk, really talk to one another in the spirit of love and truth? 

Instead, we put off difficult conversations and put on the mask of niceness; accommodating unreasonable demands and working around  inflexibility, and skirting the real problems.  Eventually those issues grow into conflict where anger, fear and anxiety supplant love, collegiality and the spirit of community, and ultimately your relationships decay.

So let's talk about difficult conversations.

Frankly, I don't like having them; I don't know anyone who does.  But when you are in a leadership position it’s a fact of life.  Especially if you are leading change.  There will be resistance, passive aggressive behavior, maybe even some overt animosity. You will need to have difficult conversations. For the sake of the health of your congregation you will have to initiate dialogue with those who may not want any dialogue with you. These may even be people who you love dearly but who are also threatening to impede God's mission by continuing to engage in unhealthy behaviors within the congregation.

Remember when Paul called out Peter when he heard that Peter had altered his choice of dining companions when the big-wigs from Jerusalem came calling?  I'm sure Paul never wanted to have that conversation with Peter, but for the sake of God's mission to the Gentiles he had to speak up.  No mixed messages, no hypocrisy.  Paul took Peter aside and laid it all out. Galatians 2:11-14 MSG

Difficult conversations are just that...difficult.  Not impossible, just difficult.

I’m sure that for Paul, having that conversation with Peter was awkward.  In the spirit love and truth, Paul had the courage to name the problem and address Peter directly before the situation got even more out-of-hand. Imagine if Paul had not spoken out!  What would have happened to this new vision of inclusivity, this Gospel that gathered Jew, Gentile, free, slave, male and female as members of one body in Christ?  In the text one has the sense that divisions were escalating rapidly and those bold steps into new community were on the verge of retreat. 

Change will always be countered by some sort of resistance, sometimes it’s obvious, like the person who crosses their arms and says no, and sometimes it’s  less overt and is more passive, like when someone agrees with the change then goes about doing things they way they have always done it.  Many times conversations are more difficult to have with the person in the second scenario. There may be a few different underlying factors guiding their behavior; fear of the unknown, anxiety about recent decisions and the change process, loss of sense of place in the community, uncertainty about the overall mission or vision, etc. It may even be a combination of things.  Individual(s) that are clearly hampering the changes and directions identified by the community that needed to engage in God’s mission cannot be ignored or accommodated, they need to be listened to and offered a chance to express their viewpoints in an atmosphere of honesty and mutual respect. Leaders who enter these conversations must do so with both humility and forbearance, bringing a non-anxious presence to the situation. They must have clarity of vision and mission and the ability to articulate the motivation for change in relation to that vision and mission.

Bringing the conversation back to God’s mission and vision for the congregation and re-directing comments about personal likes/dislikes will help to keep focus on what God is doing rather than on individual preferences.

In Antioch, Paul confronts Peter publicly in order that the others who have changed their behavior will also see the impact of their actions.  It was too late for a quiet private conversation since even Barnabas had begun to follow Peter’s lead. A difficult conversation with one person became a difficult conversation with many. Ideally, Paul could have headed this off at the pass, taking Peter aside before things escalated- that hesitation led to a “situation”.

So, leaders, through prayer and observation it’s up to you to discern when the time is right to initiate the conversation. Keep God’s mission and vision central. Invite Jesus to sit in at the meeting and trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you in love and truth. 

Take it from Paul, who sums up the the core of our difficult conversations so beautifully-

“Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do—submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is what God is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life! All who walk by this standard are the true Israel of God—his chosen people. Peace and mercy on them!” 

(Galatians 6:14-16  MSG)

Here's a little refresher on the "Difficult Conversations" segment from the last Forward Leadership Seminar:

Difficult Conversations: Nine Common Mistakes